Some of you may have checked out dating manuals to help you in your quest to meet Mr or Ms Right.
While some dating manuals are useful, the majority belong in the dustbin. Although they're massively popular in the UK, US and Canada most have never been proven to work and often contain advice that is outdated, misleading or just plain wrong.
Of course the people writing these books claim to be experts, but most don't understand the information they're discussing. They're just churning out tips that worked for them and there's no guarantee they'll work for you.
Such books are always written in such a way that if their tips fail you blame yourself, not the book. Some are so dodgy that organisations like the American Psychological Association have called for them to come with a health warning.
More research has been done on women's self help books as they're the biggest market share, but we're also aware that the "player" range of books aimed at men are just as bad.
These self help books get a lot of press coverage because their authors are eager to chat to the media and will always tell journalists what they want to hear so they can get a plug for their book. If these texts were any use, reputable educators, advisors and therapists would recommend them. Currently very few of the "best sellers" in sex/ relationship advice are ever recommended or rated by professionals.
A typical scenario
Now I'm sure you'll have met someone who's tried a self help book and found it worked for them. In any self help book there will be tips that people find useful. However, let's look at a commonly suggested scenario presented to men on how to date to show a "result" isn't always what you want.
You go out on the pull. You meet a woman you like. You're advised by self help dating books/ magazine features to do the following:
Chat to the woman for a while
Touch her lightly on the arm and show you are keen
After ten minutes you should walk away and chat to another woman, preferably where the first woman can see you. This will signify you are attractive to many women and also put you in control
The first woman will see she could lose you and will make more of an effort to keep you so you score
Let's say you tried this. You may well find that this action does result in getting a woman. But what would she be like and would you like her? A confident woman might enjoy chatting to you, but might not be so happy when you start with the arm stroking. Seeing you leave to chat up another lady in her presence will make her think you're either playing games or that you're rude. She'll lose interest in you.
A woman who isn't very confident may very well see you as a prize about to get away and she will probably make a bee line for you. You've pulled just as the player book or dumb ass magazine feature said you would, but you've pulled someone who was afraid of rejection and lacked confidence. Is that who you wanted to end up with?
In the end these books are full of a lot of fluff that covers up some basic information about dating. All you need to ask yourself is three questions. Am I enjoying being with this person? Are they enjoying being with me? Would I like to see them again?
