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I joined as I have a question to ask with regards to my 'x' and was hoping for some good advice from here.
I split with my 'x' about three months ago, we decided to remain friends, however we never stayed in contact. I have thought about them on and off during the last three months so decided to text her to see how she was, got a reply, so asked if they would like to maybe meet up at the weekend, they said they were busy (i did text on Thursday) but could do sometime during the week - so we arranged to meet up if I was free then.
On the day we were due to meet I text to ask if I should come over to hers, got reply saying it was too nice a nite and we should meet near a place where we could go for a walk, as you know the weather has been great this week! I should point out this place isn't too far from her house, so thought to myself should we not have just met there - however in saying that she even drove to the place to meet me, so perhaps she couldn't be bothered to walk there.
Anyway we went for a walk, general small chat, was nice, I then asked her why she thought we broke up, she said she didn't feel I was interested and sometimes made her feel bad about herself, not in a nasty way, just the way I acted I guess. During this we covered other stuff, i.e. had she seen anyone etc, she said she hadn't but wasn't really looking as wasn't in the right place however she was out on Saturday and was asked out by someone and some other lad tried to kiss her - thanks for telling me that.
I then asked her if she ever went back out with someone, surly this makes it clear that I am interested? She said that she did once in the past, again I thought we'll if you really wanted to give me the brush off you would have just said no?!
We chatted about some other stuff, i.e. had I seen anyone etc, I said no and told her it was because it took me a while to get over her and also I wasn't really looking. She is due to go abroad for a month and when asking if she was seeing anyone she said she wouldn't want to start anything till after she came back - fair enough.
Anyway, sitting in last nite so decided to text her as I knew she was off for the day, texts went like
Me: "You have a nice day off?"
Her: "Yeah, killed myself working though then gymmed it so am kinda knackered, great day though, long may they continue"
Me: "Yeah, lovely day to have off, Thanks for last nite btw, was nice to see you again"
Her:"You too we won't leave it as long next time"
Me: "I hope not"
I get from the texts that she doesn't seem too keen, as she did explain she doesn't want to start anything.
After we finished the walk I asked if she wanted to head to the local pub for a drink, she said yeah, I told her that if she didn't want to she really didn't need to, she said that if she didn't want to come along tonite she wouldn't have.
I am just confused I guess as to what could happen, I can't really read the signals too well, and not sure if we should try to be friends and then see if anything comes of it when she gets back from her holidays, or If I am making a bit of a fool out of myself?!
We are suppose to meet up in a couple of weeks for dinner for her birthday, she said we def would, but I can't help think if she just said this. She was never the best at times coming across in texts and they often seemed closed messages, i.e. ones that were hard to repsond to.
I was planning on texting at the beginning of next week to see if she wants to maybe go to pics or see dvd, depending on response from this it mite give me some idea. However sometimes I feel she is just doing it to be nice.
She is leaving the door open but you are going to have to do the running - not because she doesn't fancy you much but because she doesn't want to expose herself after last time. When she's back and if someone new hasn't cropped up you are in with a chance but I suspect you will have to be seen to try.
Perhaps a way forward is moving beyond trying to second guess her, and just be straight with her about how you feel.
It is difficult to 'read' anything when you still like someone as things they say can be easily misunderstood.
You also can't expect her to be a mindreader. Asking her if she's ever got back with an ex, for example. It's too vague to get the answer you want and allows her to avoid a potentially awkward discussion that she may not want to have.
She may have met with you for all manner of reasons - for wanting to get back with you, to wanting to be a friend, to showing you what you've let go, or perhaps wanting some closure.
Rather than overanalysing things she may have done or said I would just be very straightforward - with yourself and her.
If you want to get back with her, then tell her that's how you feel. She'll either say she wants this too, or that she wants to think it over, or she'll tell you it's not going to happen. That way you know where you stand.
It's much easier to spend time not being assertive or tackling situations head on, and in such cases it then becomes easy to blame the other person for giving mixed signals, when in fact it's the case that you've not told them what you really want.
Call her and say you enjoyed seeing her, you've listened to what she thought went wrong and you want to make a go of it again.
Dr Petra, good post, and I know its the right thing to do and have thought about it as I am normally pretty vocal about how i feel. I guess I thought it mite be better to see her a couple of times before bringing this up, I have kinda made it clear, in my eyes how I felt. When we parted after our walk I asked her to drop me up at my car, she said or I could just walk you, not sure if she thought I was expecting anything to happen in the car and she didn't want to, however I just got out and said thanks and don't be a stranger as you didn't text/call much last time, she replied, "i didn't think you wanted me to"
Its just she never really says much in texts, anyway do you think the pics/dvd thing next week is worth a go? I just feel that if I run in and say I still want out with her she mite freak a bit.
Well she might freak out a bit, but that could be in a good way so you get back together :-)
I suspect she either is still getting over what happened last time (as previous posters have suggested) or isn't interested in a relationship but doesn't feel able to say. Or she simply may not be clear on how you feel since although it's clear to you, it may not be clear to her.
The longer you keep this situation going the more upset you'll get, the more you'll be likely to misinterpret things, and the more difficult it will be for her to work out what's going on.
Basically she told you that before she didn't feel that you paid enough attention, so dithering about now may well reinforce that idea.
It's scary to be this assertive since there's the risk of rejection - and who wants that. But even in a worst case scenario you at least know where you stand, you can avoid making a fool of yourself, and you have the chance to move on.
Well she might freak out a bit, but that could be in a good way so you get back together :-)
I suspect she either is still getting over what happened last time (as previous posters have suggested) or isn't interested in a relationship but doesn't feel able to say. Or she simply may not be clear on how you feel since although it's clear to you, it may not be clear to her.
The longer you keep this situation going the more upset you'll get, the more you'll be likely to misinterpret things, and the more difficult it will be for her to work out what's going on.
Basically she told you that before she didn't feel that you paid enough attention, so dithering about now may well reinforce that idea.
It's scary to be this assertive since there's the risk of rejection - and who wants that. But even in a worst case scenario you at least know where you stand, you can avoid making a fool of yourself, and you have the chance to move on.
I know your right, i guess it is just that no one wants to be told no, esp since after three months she is still on my mind!
I would be friends rather than nothing at all, I guess the thing is that if I do say about trying again and she says no then friendship is most likely out the window. I would be happy to leave us trying anything till she gets back from abroad.
Ok, have thought about this and will put of texting (hopefully) till Sunday nite/Monday, ask if she wants to go to cinema or dvd (not sure about cinema as it means no chat!) - will bring up (hopefully) how I feel and that I would be happy to wait till she got back if she was interested, I will express that I don't really want to rock the friendship thing, i.e. if anything else is out the window i would like to remain friends, not friends that say hi, but friends that go out and do stuff etc.
Went to the pics the other nite, had a bit of a chat after them, I didn't want to bring up the whole I still having feeling convo, I thought about it, but thought, I didn't want to ruin what had been a good nite. We had a chat about her birthday and if we were still going to be doing something for it, we agreed that we would. It was then just general chit chat, she told me she was going into hospital soon - something i knew (she had cancer in the past) , I said I would visit (jokingly), she said she was only in as a day patient and wouldn't even be sure I could as the injections were radioactive, so not sure if she was really allowed people about her. Anyways we agreed to text next week and I mentioned about doing a DVD or something, i.e. when the hospital thing was mentioned. Anyways text last nite just to see how her weekend was etc, around about 10, but haven't had a reply yet. I know not to keep texting, however I am still at a lose with it all. (I know Dr Petra's advice is the best soultion, but I don't want to ask that question until we have met a couple of times before hand, in case I just annoy her off with asking about 'us' all the time!)
