GLASGOW REGION
Name...........................................
Nickname......................................
Gangname....................................
1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?
2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?
3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?
4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?
5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?
EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?
EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION
Name..........................................
Rugby Club..................................
Daddy's Company.........................
1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?
2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?
3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?
4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?
5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?
HIGHLANDS REGION
Name..................................
Glen....................................
Clan ................................
1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?
2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?
3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?
4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?
Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME _________________________
NICK-NAME ____________________
GANG NAME ____________________
1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300
Euro and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 Euro a gram,what is the street value of
the rest of
his hold?
3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 Euro, to
make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got 350,000 for the hit. If
his
common law wife spends 33,100 per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out of the 'Joy?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the
slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the
average
letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight
fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35
mph, Eamo loads his brother's gun.. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load
the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?
1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and
killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the
court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of
y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance
settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving
now?
2. Chloes personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand
products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course
of a
month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't
even
notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of birds, but he only has
enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol,
how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?
4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size
8 Versace.
If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make
do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?
5. If Ross shouts Affluence 5 many times from the car window how many
high fives is he due?
************************************************** ******
COUNTRY LEAVING CERT
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
OUTSIDE DUBLIN
Name: Paddy/M ry (circle one)
1. If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through PaddyJohn's
turnip
crop at 10miles an hour. What colour was Paddy John's tractor?
2. If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of
stout
in O'Brien's at the crossroads?
3. Paddy Joe Mahoney has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockerel and 6
geese. John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs. How much does Paddy
Joe offer to John Joe for a dowry for Mary?
4. If it takes Sarah Jane 40 minutes to cycle 12 miles to O'Brien's on
the
crossroads for the ceilidh and it takes Mary Murphy 40 minutes to walk 2
miles
to O'Brien's, which girl will end up in John Joe's hay barn?
5. If Paddy Joe's prize hen can lay 4 eggs every morning and his other
hens
can lay only two each the odd morning, which one will he have for Sunday
dinner?
