So my girlfriend and I broke up a week and a half ago after two years (one living together) - At the time I thought that it was a good idea as we hadn't been getting on for a couple of months, I stupidly said I could see where she was coming from and didn't put up a fight or get her to explain her reasoning.
The subject of her wanting children regularly came up, I didn't want them yet (she's 4 years my senior)
I've now had a think about things and realised that there was lots of things I could have done differently.
Basically I used to smoke quite a bit of weed so I didn't bother organising for us to go places, had the odd mood swing basically took her for granted. We split after I had 2-3 weeks of extremely long hours so we hardly got chance to see each other and tempers kept getting frayed.
I have know given up completely and never want to touch the stuff ever again, and I haven't since we broke up. I'm now feeling like a real person again, motivated, no mood swings etc etc I really think that if we tried we could get things back to the way they used to be, heck I even get a bit broody when I see families out and about now! And I really don't want to be an old dad!
I went over to pick up some of the bits I'd left at hers on wednesday and couldn't stop myself from starting crying when talking to her so left. I text her while I was on the way home saying that there was so many things I would do differently and could we get together for a talk about things? I got a response of "I don't know what I can say but maybe in a couple of weeks" to which I replied ok, I really think it's worth a try, I guess we'll know our feelings better in a couple of weeks when the dust has settled.
Today I'm missing her more than ever and really am prepared to put the effort in. One of my concerns is that I know she's been flirting with someone from work and there's a works outing in the next couple of weeks (may even have been this weekend). I know she wouldn't have done anything while we were together, she's not that sort of person - I'm just a bit worried she'll rebound onto him and any chance of us sorting things out will be scuppered.
Don't get me wrong I don't want to try and pick up where we left off, we need to build the relationship back to where it was. I really do think it would work if we tried again.
At the moment she doesn't know that i've stopped the smoking so probably thinks that I'm permanently living in green, stoned haze. But I'm completely the opposite!
No doubt I'll have some post there (redirecting starts tomorrow) which will need picking up at some point and I've found some photos on my camera that I've burnt to CD for her which i can take round at the same time. We looked so happy in those photos I wish we could get those times back again.
What do you guys think I should do? Wait out the couple of weeks and give her a shout? Leave it for her to make the first move? Give up as I'm never going to get her back?
I just feel so helpless!
Sorry for the rant but in the house on my own with not alot to do apart from thinking about things!
What do you guys think I should do? Wait out the couple of weeks and give her a shout?
That gives you time to think about what you really want - and what the other half may want. it also suggests some commitment.
Yes, you may need to risk rejection - but if you're not willing to risk it, maybe you're thinking only about yourself.
layaboutluke wrote:
Leave it for her to make the first move?
And you'll still be waiting for her when you're 40!
layaboutluke wrote:
Give up as I'm never going to get her back?
Only you can say whether it is the situation!
layaboutluke wrote:
I just feel so helpless!
Sorry for the rant but in the house on my own with not alot to do apart from thinking about things!
it sounds like you've made major steps forward in giving upi the weed. If you can keep off it (which may be a deal breaker for the other half) you can be doing both yourself and her a favour.
Best of luck - even if it doesn't work out with the current ex, you may be in a better position for the next Ms Layabout - and ready for it.
It sounds like you're already doing a lot to sort things out. You recognised the problem, you've given up the weed (and have made a commitment to continue doing that). You have reflected on what's happened and realised where you might have done things differently. And you've told her how you feel.
That's a lot further than many people ever get in relationships, and as Claudio has said even if this relationship doesn't get back on track it will serve you well for the future.
If things have gone downhill between you and your ex, and if she's been used to mood swings and other problems it's going to take her some time to trust you again. All you can do is take things slowly and show to her how you've changed.
One thing you can do for yourself is take charge at times like this, when you feel alone and get anxious - it's one time when you could find yourself being tempted to have a smoke again. So try and find things you can do when you're on your own like watching a dvd you like or calling a friend or getting out for a walk (or even going to the gym). Spending time with people you get on with can help take your mind off things.
You might decide to write her a short letter explaining how you feel (a bit like you've done here). In it you can set out what you've already done to change, how you'll continue to sort yourself out, and what you'd like to do to rebuild things with her. That might be to arrange a date in the next week where you meet for coffee, a meal or going to the cinema - something that gives you time to be together but doesn't put either of you under pressure.
If she agrees to see you then this is a positive move but don't take this as a given things are back together. Give her the chance to tell you how she feels and listen while she talks. Then discuss together how you might move things forward.
I would be inclined to try and set a specific date with her fairly soon. If she seems unable to do this then tell her you'll wait to hear from her to give you a time. Explain that you really care for her but she's giving you clear signs she's not so interested and you're not going to put pressure on her if she isn't keen.
It will be hard and it may be this relationship doesn't work out. In any situation like this the only thing you can do is give it time. But definitely reward yourself for having the sense to sort your head out - and make some really positive changes in your life. It might be easy to overlook those while you're focusing on the situation with her, but remembering what you've already achieved could help boost your confidence and help you move forward - with or without her.
Wow - it's only been half an hour and I've already got some great replies, it's really kind of you all! Very much appreciated!
Claudio wrote:
it sounds like you've made major steps forward in giving upi the weed. If you can keep off it (which may be a deal breaker for the other half) you can be doing both yourself and her a favour.
Claudio that's great advice, I think you're right - It's a good thing whatever happens in the short term with the ex.
DrPetra wrote:
One thing you can do for yourself is take charge at times like this, when you feel alone and get anxious - it's one time when you could find yourself being tempted to have a smoke again.
This is something I'm worried about, but I think I'm much less susceptible to this now i've stopped a week or so - I'd cut it down to once a week the last couple of months we were together but as it was still on my system, it was a case of too little too late.
DrPetra wrote:
You might decide to write her a short letter explaining how you feel (a bit like you've done here). In it you can set out what you've already done to change, how you'll continue to sort yourself out, and what you'd like to do to rebuild things with her. That might be to arrange a date in the next week where you meet for coffee, a meal or going to the cinema - something that gives you time to be together but doesn't put either of you under pressure.
I've written an email saying most of it, but not sent it - I'm worried that she'll see it as me hassling her when she's said about maybe talking in a couple of weeks. I think a hand written letter is probably the best thing, it seems a bit more personal. Should I deliver it with the cd of pictures that I found on my camera of a couple of weekends away or leave it seperate? Slightly worried she might see it as slight emotional blackmail.. "look what great times we had, don't throw it away" if you see what I mean?
We were meant to be going to the theatre next saturday had we still been together, I might try and get tickets for that - that's if she wants to meet up anyway. Do you think it's a good thing suggesting a day or should I leave the ball in her court to a certain extent? I think one of her issues was that I rarely took charge (I was far too laid back for that!) so it may be worth giving her a definite date at least. She'd suggest another day if she thought it was a good idea to meet up right?
What if we go out and she doesn't talk about her feelings - see if she wants to meet up again? If she wants to meet up a second time it must be a good sign? I'm just a bit worried she might take it as meeting up as friends. That said after the letter should should know it's not that!
I'm a bit all over the place here, normally I'm pretty balanced and well reasoned about this sort of thing when advising others, it's so much harder when it's me in the frame!
I'd better go and get some paper so I can get writing this letter!
We were meant to be going to the theatre next saturday had we still been together, I might try and get tickets for that - that's if she wants to meet up anyway. Do you think it's a good thing suggesting a day or should I leave the ball in her court to a certain extent? I think one of her issues was that I rarely took charge (I was far too laid back for that!) so it may be worth giving her a definite date at least. She'd suggest another day if she thought it was a good idea to meet up right?
!
It depends on what you were going to see. Romantic comedy might give the wrong message, Othello or something else where man kills lover might not be good choice. God thinking though - it might give her the opportunity to suggest something else.
Leave it a week with no contact for her and you to sort your heads out, then send a letter- no CD. Deffo no theatre!
Explain exactly how you feel- why it went wrong from your perspective and why it would be different the second time round. Let her digest that then give her call to discuss.
Leave it a week with no contact for her and you to sort your heads out, then send a letter- no CD. Deffo no theatre!
Explain exactly how you feel- why it went wrong from your perspective and why it would be different the second time round. Let her digest that then give her call to discuss.
Why the no theatre? I guess it could be seen as a bit too romantic a setting for a no pressure get together... It was a musical comedy about greek gods (Not Romeo and Juliet!) so the material would've been ok but the setting may be too much!
I was thinking the CD as well might be a bit too OTT, at least I got some feedback on it, I may have decided to do it last minute and once it's through that letter box it's not coming back!
Sending the letter at the end of the week sounds like a good idea - like you say it'll give us chance to sort our heads out a bit, I'm not sure about the ringing - I can be a bit crap on the phone sometimes, but that said I was bad enough when I saw her in person last time! I've got a few days to have a think whether phone/person is the best idea.. Neither of them is appealing, but you have to do a few things you don't like doing to get where you want to be!
I'm not sure if it's a good idea to be doing things like going to theatre together when you are not entirely sure what your status with her is. Otherwise you may fall into default "friend" mode.
I think you need to have a serious think about what the problems in the relationship were. Sounds like you have identified many of them. Was it all one sided, is there anything on her side that you were not happy with? Also, are you sure you know the exact reasons why you broke up? You've mentioned the child thing, which is a common cause for breakups when one wants kids and other does not, but you need to make sure with her that that was the main cause for break up.
Should you try to get back to her? No one can answer that but you. It sounds like you have recognised what was wrong and are willing to change those things, so from that, would say it was worth trying.
