When Dragon Emperor Han (Jet Li) is awoken from a 2,000 year old curse, he vows to enslave the human race with his terracotta army.
Pity then for retired adventurer Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser) that it was his son Alex (Luke Ford) who did the waking.
Now O'Connell - accompanied by wife Evelyn (Maria Bello standing in for Rachel Weisz who passed on the script) and brother in law Jonathan (John Hannah) - must thwart the evil emperor's incredible powers (control of the 'five elements', handy with martial arts, blistering oriental dress sense) before he takes over the world.
Disregarding The Scorpion King, which is not difficult as it's dreck, Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is third in the official The Mummy series. Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious, Stealth) takes over from director Stephen Sommers. Wow, isn't life kind.
They say:
Empire: ‘Becomes a bit of a bore.’
Time Magazine: ‘The whole production is handsome.’
MTV: ‘An assembly line action movie clogged with special effects.’
We say:
Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is plodding, crammed with hokey dialogue and so stupid it's practically brain dead. Sad then that even this garbage out Indy's Indy at times.
It rifts the right stuff from the Jonesy. Globe trotting sense of adventure, dashing hero, period setting and is brazenly derivative of its own franchise (typically the prologue could be a film in itself). Moreover grave robbing, with all its exciting and deadly traps, looks more at home here than it did in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
No, the main reason The Mummy 3 fails is because of its director. Rob Cohen, it appears, is as cursed as the Dragon Emperor himself - to make mediocre movies forever.
He starts out fine, good even, creating a fun nostalgia tone with Fraser's hulking O'Connell, now a bored aristocrat fly fishing by six shooter. Then comes Bello as Weisz's replacement. She's voluptuous and OTT, possessing an accent borrowed from Dame Somebody Or Other. It works in the context.
As soon as Cohen has finished establishing his characters and plot however, he loses interest. Each proceeding action sequence is more monotonous than the last. There's always some artefact everyone is scrambling for. A stooge gets shot or crushed. You won't know what or who they are - you'll ask your mate, but he'll be asleep.
Kudos nonetheless for Cohen’s love of the Yeti - a whole herd (?) of them come running down a mountain to save the day for no explainable reason. They're gratifyingly big and toothy and according to this, fulfil the polar wing of St. John's Ambulance.
There is no explainable reason for most of the goings on in Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. It’s going to be daft - it's aimed at twelve year olds and has the word 'Mummy' in the title, yet logical continuity is bereft.
Jet Li's Emperor can come back to life, horse and carriage and all, but he can't outrun a 1940's delivery truck? O'Connell has seen the ten plagues of Egypt but doesn't believe in a 'magic dagger'? He even has a fight with the Emperor and duffs him up. This is a reincarnated warrior who can also turn into a dragon and fly. Brendan Fraser though, he's been fishing.
Worst of all is the cringeworthy dialogue - it's more embarrassing than being in the same room as your parents with Sexcetra on the telly. So serious too, lots of speeches about family bonding, immortality and an ‘Eye of Shangri-La’ sapphire that looks suspiciously like cubic zirconia.
Hopefully one day we'll be able to sue for experiences like this. Until then just avoid them - because if you don't, Rob Cohen will keep making them.
CAST
Brendan Fraser
Jet Li
Maria Bello
John Hannah
DIRECTOR
Rob Cohen
TIME
112 mins
POSTED...
Fri 8 Aug at 8:16am
