Fantasy frolics galore when young Lyra Belaqua (Dakota Blue Richards) travels to an alternative universe to rescue her kidnapped friend.
From there on in it's save the world time again, as she enlists help from a talking polar bear and meets via cameos half the cast of every British drama ever made.
Directed by Chris Weitz (About a Boy) from novelist Philip Pullman's popular children's trilogy, The Golden Compass has been spectacularly hyped. Can it possibly deliver, or are we going to have to rely on Santa to do that for us?
They say:
Empire: "A crushing disappointment for fans and a scuppered opportunity for a cinematic event."
The Telegraph: "The whole tale has a momentum and grandeur that's hard to resist."
The Guardian: "Nicole Kidman's glamorous and arresting turn is what gives the zip and the swish to the story as it powers along."
We say:
Director Weitz supposedly got this gig after approaching producers New Line with an unsolicited script treatment, completely rejecting the work of previously hired scribe Tom Stoppard. Weitz claims he wanted to make something more 'Star Warsy' instead.
This may have been the daftest decision in the history of film since somebody with too much money and a cigar said, "You know what we don't see enough of these days? Fat suits."
Weitz's so-called Star Warsy tale is revealed in the story's structure. Compass is three films, a true purpose to be revealed, a Lord with a beard who is supposed to be Han Solo, an "I am your mother" instead of an "I am your father", an Empire like 'Magisterium' - the list is endless.
Thankfully the film is not. A manageable running time, passable CGI and some erratic moments of high action (mainly daring escapes which unfortunately only last about two minutes) do keep you conscious - though nothing can alter the fact that The Golden Compass makes no sense at all.
Plot strands are scattered around like mashed up spaghetti, characters do nothing more than recap the narrative and whole sequences of a supposedly epic grandeur fail to generate even a whimper of adrenaline. If this is Star Wars, it's Phantom Menace.
The final battle is reminiscent of a ruck at a football match, with many characters joining in for seemingly no other reason than to have a good punch up. And for what? To save about twenty kids escaping from a scientific testing station that looks like a dusted off set from 1960s TV show The Prisoner.
It's not exactly difficult to penetrate either. Just turn up at the front door, say you're lost and they let you inside. Why people do not rob bank vaults in this way we don't know.
Maybe the story makes sense if you've read the books, but this should be irrelevant. A movie must stand up on its own merits first and respect the source material second - never vice versa.
We cannot let young Dakota Blue Richards skip by without a mention either. It's not nice to pan a child for just wandering out of stage school and spouting a jumble of expositional dialogue, but her performance is shockingly bad.
Veering betwixt lov-er-ly jubbly and jolly hockey sticks, every scene where she has more than two lines to get through is undone by her bizarre accent. At one point she sounds as though she's from the West Country.
Even with the barely there Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman really looking the part as a sexy villainess, there's virtually nothing here to recommend.
You will need a golden compass to find your way out of this mess of a film. Though chances are you'll just wish you never made the trip in the first place.
CAST
Nicole Kidman
Daniel Craig
Dakota Blue Richards
Ben Walker
DIRECTOR
Chris Weitz
TIME
113 mins
POSTED...
Fri 7 Dec 2007 at 8:34am
