The following is a true story invloving alcohol, gay clubs, Phillipino rent boys and naked wrestling. None if it is exaggerated nor untrue.
If you are of a nervous disposition or are easily shocked, I urge you not to read on.
During LIW (Leisure Industry Week) Kid Icarus, Greg and I arranged a micro drinkies (only 3 of us, so it was even too small to be a mini-drinkies). I was attending LIW anyway, but the fact the guys were going too was a bonus- a chance to meet like-minded individuals of a similar age to myself. I like to think of myself as the sociable sort, so accepted Kid's offer of going to the show together.
I wont bore you with details of the show, nor my trek around Birmingham looking for the most bizarrely positioned hotel I have ever seen (in the middle of an industrial estate, if you must know).
The first mission was getting us into the hotel- we had a twin room. For three. Greg had to covertly sneak inside whilst Kid expertly distracted the woman behind the desk. We were in.
The hotel was not the finest, but it suited us. We went upstairs, quickly changed and were back out. On the way out of the room we were crossed by a man dragging a double bed mattress along the corridor. Rather random, I thought. He had no uniform or ID to suggest he was staff (although I am sure he was), so he looked as if he was nicking it. Why not, I suppose?
We knew we were going to enjoy a drink after the show- I was in a great mood after a stomach full of free pizza, lucozade drinks, waffles, ice cream etc. We headed back to our room, sat and watched a bit of TV and looked at the free bits and bobs we had picked up. The night was still young, so we didn't rush. Instead we talked about the site, the show and the plans for our night out. We decided the theme should be 'Straight', given the last two Northern drinkies (neither of which I attended) concluded with a trip to a gay club.
As the evening progressed, we threw some clothes on and headed out for a night on the town. We picked up chips on the way (abs diet was out for the night) and walked the mile or so to the city centre.
We wandered up and down at first, looking for a place that seemed lively. There was not much going on (it was a tuesday, afterall). We noticed a few gay clubs, but were not tempted. Instead we settled on a place called Oceana. There were 9 people in- 6 Chinese guys and us. The Chinese quickly left, leaving just the three of us.
Allow me to take this opportuntiy to point something out. I had heard tales of Kid Icarus beasting Mansizers in his Army fitness classes. I imagined him to be an alpha male. Masculine- you know the sort. Any ideas I had about his masculinity soon vanished when as I bought the first round I asked him what he would like, he replied 'VK apple please'. Girl.
Anyway, we quickly skulled our drinks and went to the next bar. We arrived at an interesting area with a few restaurants and bars in an enclosed precinct. One of the bars was full to bursting with students out on Freshers week, so we knew there were at least a few people out. Things were looking good.
The night had started slowly- town seemed quiet and we had only had one drink. Things change for the better in bar 2 though- we each had a pint and a bottle of Bud as a chaser. We then started playing a drinking game to speed things along- the worlds most simple drinking game, the heads or tales game. A coin is flipped and the person next to you has to guess the outcome- if they get it wrong, they have to drink a finger-width of their drink. I laughed as Greg endured the worlds longest losing streak on this game and chinned a whole pint in less than 10 mins!
We finished the game, then moved over to the comfortable seats. We were obviously on the way to drunkeness by now as the deep conversations came out. Claudio and Niall have both been victims of my drunken verbal diarrhoea, so can imagine the ramblings. At one point, Kid had us imagine some story whereby every element was a description of how we viewed our lives. Pretty deep, actually. The drinks were flowing by now, and after the story Greg walked off and returned with a glass containing the Eden project. I had what appeared to be salad in my glass. It truns out they were mint leaves and we were drinking Mojito's (or something- I imagine that's how it is spelt).
From here we ventured on. There were not many people around, so walking down the road we happened upon a place with loud music- seemed like it had some sort of atmosphere, so we went in. It turns out we had found our way to a gay Kareoke bar. Not put off, we decided to treat the place to a rendition of American Pie. Probably badly, actually. We were the last act before closing, and followed a guy who deserves a record contract- he sounded like Al Green! It took a pint and a shot before we had the courage.
Greg went to the toilet as Kid and I were called to the stage. We started 'singing', and about 1 minute in, out of the corner of my eye I saw Greg walking over to the stage to join us- I thought he had bottled it, but no, he came through! We rambled on for the whole 8 minutes (probably killing custom for the bar for the next 18 months or so in the process).
From here we went out to look for a club- and were turned away by 4 different places as they were almsot closing. Dejected, we walked along the road and saw a place called 'Glamorous'- the sign was lit up in pink neon lights! It looked like a strip bar. We had just been to a gay bar, so a seedy gentlemans club seemed just what the doctor ordered. We were on our way.
At the door we were stopped by a big bouncer- I thought we were going to be turned away for being drunk, when the girl behind the counter said 'Do you know what sort of club this is?' Without hesitation, Kid replied 'Yes'. I still thought it was a strip bar on my way down the stairs, until I saw a room full of men in tight vests.
Oh for f*cks sake, a gay club AGAIN?
In uni I had a gay housemate, so sometimes we used to go to the gay club in Swansea with him, and I always had a laugh. I have no problem going to them, but I had my heart set on a straight night this time....
We sat at the bar and ordered a pint. It was a small place, and nobody was dancing. I looked around, and decied that I was the least fashionable person there. I have messy blond hair (lots of it now- hasn't been cut in a while) that was running free, my t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Even Kid and Greg had shirts on. Most of the guys had fashionable vests, t-shirts and jeans on. I bet their shoes alone cost more than my entire trip.
A drink in, Greg nipped out to get some cash, leaving myself and Kid. We were sat chatting when a pleasant young chap came over and introduced himself. He asked who were were, what we were doing etc, before informing us that his friend Mark had been eyeing us up since we arrived, but was too scared to introduce himself. We told him to get Mark to come over, but he was too shy. We had pulled within 10 minutes- score!
I dont remember starting to dance, but I know it was us three straight guys who got the ball rolling. We were laying the law on the floor! Good job really, as before we started the DJ was doing a phenomenal job of keeping the dancefloor empty. We were busting slick moves before the resident gay crew decided to come and join us- thats when the fun started....
The club and the dancefloor were small, so we owned the floor- we were first there and the guys surrounded us, basking in our sexual energy. We were accosted on many occassions, and danced with the guys. I was asked what our 'story' was on a few occassions- were the three of us together, friends, straight, gay or what? I was having too much fun leading the guys on to tell them I was off limits, so I told them that Greg and I were bisexual, but Kid was fully gay. Chortle chortle.
We were dancing away, and I had noticed a small Oreintal-looking man in the corner staring at me. He looked lonley, so I beckoned him to come over and dance with us. He will now be referred to as Phillipino rent boy, or PRB. He came to talk to me, and here is how our conversation went, word for word...
PRB: Hello. I shy.
Me: Oh hi there shy, I'm *****
PRB: Oh you so funny! I not called shy. I called Neil. I think you really sexy.
Me: Thank you Neil. I like your hair (it was a black, curly thing with bleached highlights- looked ridiculous).
PRB: I had it done today. I new in town.
Me: New to Birmingham? That must be exciting! I dont live here- I live 300 miles away.
PRB: I like you, you like me? Have your number please?
Me: I like you Neil, but I dont think I'm your sort. It wouldn't work between us.
PRB: It would- I come see you two times month.
Me: Im sorry Neil, you deserve better than me. I would only break your heart.
PRB: Please can I have number please?
Me: OK- I will get it from my phone.
I then gave him the telephone number of a certain Kid Icarus, and he continued to dance with us. He even took a photo of our naked arses (Kid wanted a pic, I have no idea why, but alcohol makes you do bizarre things, and it seemed like a perfectly logical thing to do at the time).
As the night went on, we danced with various other men- the black guy from the kareoke bar told me he thought the three of us were gorgeous, a white guy asked me would I do things to him that I cant repeat here- again I pointed him in Kid's direction and told him he would do ANYTHING he asked for. Kid must have rejected him too, as he came back and asked could he come to our hotel for a foursome. Errr, no. But thanks anyway! At one point he was dancing behind me and tried to slip his hands down the front of my jeans, inside my boxers- I escaped by running to Kid and greg like a lost child reunited with his parents! The orginal man with the shy friend came over and danced- they were like sitting ducks! If Chris, Ben, BFG, Jonny etc were there they would have been in heaven!
About an hour before closing time, Greg wandered off and returned with a bottle of rose- pink wine in a gay club- how apt!
We skulled the bottle, having a massive glass each. We all downed the drink- the longer we spent drinking the less time we had to dance, so it went down in one go, on the dancefloor. There must have been something in that wine, as it turned Greg and Kid weird....
I was dancing away with PRB, when I felt a big wet thing on my neck- greg had licked me! Not just a little lick, but a big, wet, fat lick. It made me shudder- he just smiled at me like a twisted psychopath in a horror movie! Next thing it happened again, this time it was Kid who attacked me. It must have given the gay guys the horn- they were all over us then! Apparently to be classed as a real Mansizer I had to lick them both back (something I was not familiar with from the southern drinkies), so I did. Kid is salty, by the way. Greg is non-descript.
Various photographs were taken of the night- photographs of nipples, arses, the three of us with various gay men, Kid having his junk squeezed by the white guy who wanted to have very dirty things done to him by us, Greg and Kid lifting each other up, me lifitng Greg and Kid up, Greg lifting me up etc etc. A sober look through the pics makes for interesting viewing, thats for sure!
We eventually made it back to the hotel, ready to get in bed. I dont know who suggested it- I think it was Kid (I can honestly say it wasn't me), but we were naked less than 30 seconds after getting in the room. That is when the royal rumble started, and we had a wrestle. The room was not looking the best afterwards (nothing was broken, it was just in a different order to its original state). I thought at one point the headboard on the bed was going to snap when I picked it up- I was going to dump it on them asthey lay defeated on the floor but didnt fancy a bill for a broken bed! By the way, both Kid and Greg are total pansies. I would not want either of them on my side in a fight. I threw them round like a bag of shit.
The wrestling carried on until 5am.
This morning we woke up to find PRB (who had stuck around the three of us all night) had text Kid twice! Ha ha- my plan worked. Kid had a new friend!
I was looking through my pictures of the night, when I happened across one of Kid enjoying a tender moment with PRB! I will ask him if I can post it- it will make you all laugh out loud! Its a hilarious pic! I dont even remember taking it.
I had a brilliant night- one of my best in ages! Kid and greg agreed that this time the bar had been raised on the MS drinkies. Seedy gay clubs, Phillipino rent boys, Kareoke......
WTF? You make me sound like grandmaster gay of events when I was the most sensible.
Naked wrestling can be attributed to greg but the 'hey lets just get naked' idea was all yours shuts! And as for compromising photos, check your phone, there's one with a certain blond mansizer dancing with PRB and playing with his nipples. I reckon I need to post what really happened but I'll do it later when I should be at work :P
here's a random injury which is nicely coloured today, you can guess which body part it is from.
I'm pretty sure shuts failed to mention some of his camper moments, especially waving his arms around like a big queen on the dancefloor, and getting jealous if me and kid got more attention than he did! ;)
oh my goodness! Why is it that when Kid and Greg are out everything goes gay!!
I must point out that only the first northern drinkies was my fault that we ended up in a gay club, the second time i tried to make it a straight night introducing everyone to mojito's in Lime bar manchester (which is also really apt as it seems you're drinking mojito's without my influence!)
As long as you have the memories of the evening permanently scarred on your mind, everything will be ok!
oh my goodness! Why is it that when Kid and Greg are out everything goes gay!!
I must point out that only the first northern drinkies was my fault that we ended up in a gay club, the second time i tried to make it a straight night introducing everyone to mojito's in Lime bar manchester (which is also really apt as it seems you're drinking mojito's without my influence!)
As long as you have the memories of the evening permanently scarred on your mind, everything will be ok!
*cancels cabin trip*
you big raging homos! what is it with all the licking and naked wrestling?!
i hope i'm not in your cabin!
