Buy anything at the Early Learning Centre through this link and Mansized gets 4% of sales. Every order you place helps us build more great stuff for you
My beautiful daughter is doing fine. She is 8 weeks and just above the average weight, giving us 6-8 hours of sleep a night and did I mention beautiful.
Mrs J. is struggling. She has a history of depression but has been off tablets for a number of years. She started by being "anxious" about food. She doesn't mind eating but the thought of food makes her heave and she was very concerned about missing meals incase it effects her breast feeding.
This has gone on a couple of weeks and has progressed in to anxiety about other stuff and now when she is down, which is most mornings, she is thinking a lot about negative things. She thinks it is depression, I still think it is anxiety about food which makes her down and has escalated any down feelings.
Today has been the worst day. We have talked for over 10 hours whilst she has been feeling very negative. After a good couple of hours, she is feeling negative again.
The 10 hours today was hard. I can only try and make her see the positive side for so long. I am listening. I make her food when she is ready. I can change baby when she needs a moment. I can do other jobs, whilst I'm not at work. A friend even suggested I learn the word "ah" in tandem with a hug (apparently not in men's vocab - men are from Mars?) which I'm doing.
She has seen her GP, and has a good phone support network (friends that are mums, parents and family, etc) and as I said, baby is fine. She is even going to a few groups like bumps and babes and a church group.
She can't go back on anti-depressants as this will mean she can't breastfeed. Any other ideas? How else can I help?
She can't go back on anti-depressants as this will mean she can't breastfeed. Any other ideas? How else can I help?
My guess is that this is post natal depression and that you treat it as a temporary but serious problem. Don't worry about the breast feeding. Whilst normally a BIG fan of breast feeding.. the main point here is bonding and general well being of your partner and the baby,
Please seek professional help and support anything they suggest.
it's not the end of the world if babies are bottle fed.... the most important thing here is that she is SEEN and treated and starts to feel better.
Post natal depression seems obvious. She needs to see a doctor and soon. The sudden loss of all those hormones she had when she was pregnant can really play havoc with her brain.
It's a really difficult one (my Mum has suffered in the past with depressiona nd anxiety) and the two things are linked, as you have identified. The anxious feelings feed the depression, and then the two potentially spiral, often with bouts of obsessive behaviour. Today's extended talking about her issues with food is an example of this, and again by keeping it at the forefront of her mind, your wife is feeding the anxiety.
I know it must be terribly difficult to not talk about it, but try not to - is there anything else you can do to diffuse her focus and do something different?
Not being an expert, but knowing some of the tricks, it is important that your wife is kept occupied (it might be as simple as making sure there is a newspaper to read, watching the telly, even doing some cleaning - but don't add pressure, as that may exaccerbate the situation), and not just by baby, and she already has some structure around the clubs and classes.
How well do you know your wife's friends, etc - would you be able to arrange something with them, so that you could maybe all go out together, or even just make sure that they are popping in/calling to check on your other wife while you are at work? But without what they are doing being overly intrusive, or obvious.
The arrival of your baby is a huge change for both of you. So, also make sure that you have the support and help that you need too.
As for the breastfeeding - it is a really, really delicate situation, as your wife may feel that by not breastfeeding, she is not supporting the baby, but, it might be better for both of you if she were to stop. Not only would you be able to share the feeding duties, etc, (which would be a little less for her to do) but it might be beneficial for her to then be able to take medication.
Sorry if that is a load of waffle, rambling, but there is no one magic cure for situations like this.
she is a success whatever she does.
get her seen with a view to post natal depression.... and support her whatever happens.
This isn't about CHOICES for the baby... but about an unavoidable thing that happens to some wome after a baby is born. It happened to my friend and it might be happening to your partner/wife. get something done. if you are finished with the midwives.... phone the health visitor or GP.
Have been thinking about this again today and a couple of more things spring to mind:
It may sound harsh, but sometimes you may need to make the judgement to stop a conversation and walk out of a room, just to stop the flow and divert her way of thinking.
Someone suggested you do a bit of 'ahhh-ing' with a cuddle, which may be good to show support, but not all the time, as any feelings of helplessness and feeling weak might be reinforced by such actions.
Also, if you are not getting anywhere fast with her GP, and any consequent referrals (the NHS system is packed, and can take aaaaages to get any further, specialist help such as appointments with community nurses, psychiatrists, etc), it might be worth having a look at any private health schemes you might be part of, at work, for example. This will ensure she gets the help she needs much more quickly. I know it's not a nice way to think about things, you may as well get the benefit, as a 15 min consultation can cost around £80-100, so any subs you have paid will soon be worth it.
Above all else, you know your wife best, so you will know how to handle it best. It is so difficult to give advice on here sometimes, as only snippets of a situation are given, and not the whole picture.
It may sound harsh, but sometimes you may need to make the judgement to stop a conversation and walk out of a room, just to stop the flow and divert her way of thinking.
Someone suggested you do a bit of 'ahhh-ing' with a cuddle, which may be good to show support, but not all the time, as any feelings of helplessness and feeling weak might be reinforced by such actions.
You think walking out of the room and NOT cuddling her are a good idea?
You think helplessness and weakness are reinforced by affection and comfort?
It may sound harsh, but sometimes you may need to make the judgement to stop a conversation and walk out of a room, just to stop the flow and divert her way of thinking.
Someone suggested you do a bit of 'ahhh-ing' with a cuddle, which may be good to show support, but not all the time, as any feelings of helplessness and feeling weak might be reinforced by such actions.
You think walking out of the room and NOT cuddling her are a good idea?
You think helplessness and weakness are reinforced by affection and comfort?
Good God Ben, she's just had a baby!
As I made very clear in my last paragraph - only Motiv8 knows his wife, and we are only getting a snapshot of the whole situation that is going on at home. I was attempting to use my experience of what may be a similar situation (not something that I ever really bring out in to the open, as it is something that I feel is private to me, but thought it might be useful to share my experiences here).
It is very hard at times to convey the full context of a situation in writing, on a screen, and I was only trying to offer some advice: Anxiety is often linked to obsessive behaviours - my advice was to try and break that cycle of behaviour, by stopping the conversation, or walking away, turning on the TV, suggesting going out for a walk....anything rather than talking about her anxiety over food.
And, of course I don't mean to never cuddle, or offer reassurances, because that is important too, just not to go over the top with it all, if it's not normal behaviour.
Thanks everyone for your words and support. Beads and Ben, you both have good points. Today has been a good day for Mrs J. She coped well when I went to work at 7am. Baby didn't wake properly until 8am (she gives us a full night - 9 hours, we are so lucky). I made some snacks (cut up fruit and a cheese and pickle sarnie) and put them in the fridge. Remember that food has been the stem of this problem.
Mrs J. went to a baby group late morning and told a few mums that yesterday was awful and one mum stayed behind and talked to Mrs J. Then a lady Mrs J. met at a church baby group came round and got Mrs J. a sandwich and they talked and went for a walk. So when I came home at 6pm Mrs J. had talked to a few people and everything was ok. She had had a few low moments but nothing she didn't get herself out of.
To cover the depression issue: Mrs J. doesn't want to go on anti-depressants but is not so anti them that she will ruin her own health. Sunday was the closest she thought she couldn't cope. She has seen her GP once and talked on the phone at least twice. She is due an appointment again tomorrow. The GP has since told us that there is an anti-depressant that Mrs J. can take and still breastfeed, but she took our lead at the first appointment and felt we wanted to try without it so didn't suggest it. Mrs J. has also seen her health care lady often. As Mrs J. has a history of depression we flagged this up during the pregnancy so the support was available, if required. The health care team have been very good.
Sunday was a bad day, I probably should have tried harder to take Mrs J's mind off her spiralling bad thoughts. But as it had lasted pretty much 10 hours even I found it hard to keep rationally making her think of the positive things as the negatives also reflected on me, as a partner/husband/friend. We generally bounce bad emotions off each other, i.e. if I feel bad about our relationship I explain and then she feels bad, she explains and then I suck it up. This happened yesterday and I sucked the negative stuff for too long and couldn't turn it around.
Tomorrow is another day. I will keep hugging her and saying "ahh", I will keep reminding her it is temporary, I will keep reminding her what a wonderfully healthy daughter she is creating, I might need to say to her "wait a minute, you need to start thinking positively!" in a more prescribed, authoratative way. A different day may need a different way? Keep you suggestions coming because I may need more tactics/tools. I am listening.
