Okay, this question is about women, but its definitely something that, as a heterosexual man, I'm interested in knowing. A female friend of mine once said that women are, sexually, far more complex creatures than men are, and somewhere around 80 percent of women have trouble orgasming. I have to admit that this was kind of a downer. It would mean that, out of ten of the women that I have been with, eight of them faked the whole orgasm experience. Really? Am I, and men in general, that sexually incompetent? Were the women I was with really that bored when I was having sex with them? Were most of them faking their orgasms? Do most women lie about achieving orgasms? Is there a way to tell if they are having a real orgasm or not?

Also, if women are so much harder to sexually please than men, why are so there so many male enhancement drugs out there on the market - e.g., Viagra?

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Try not to worry too much about it. Just pop it in there, wiggle it about a bit. Some women are just plain awkward.

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80% of women have trouble orgasming?! Well either I'm extremely lucky, your female friend has slept with some useless men or she's getting her statistics from somewhere dodgy.

Some women find it hard to orgasm just from regular penetration, maybe that's what she meant. That's what foreplay was invented for.

Some women probably fake, but not all.

I'm sure that the women you've slept with did have orgasms so don't worry.

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STE's answer is much more helpfull the PGE's to be honest ; - )

I'd say don't worry so much about it so much and don't believe all you read.

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When a woman has an orgasm the vagina sort of spasms/contracts lots of times (not quite sure how to describe it!). It's fairly subtle but you can't fake that.

*gives evil eye to Bazza* ;P

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I was half joking, but a lot of it is down to good communication. I know what my g/f wants as she tells me...

























....an extra "few" inches would be nice :-O

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Also bear in mind that not all women will orgasm the same way. It doesn't hurt to ask what turns her on - whether she likes it from behind, a bit of tongue, etc.

I think the stat you've heard only relates to penetration. But there's more to sex than just thrusting away and hoping she enjoys it.

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Communication is very important.

The problem is though, we know how sensitive the male ego can be. So it's quite difficult to know what to say if someone is doing something badly or it just isn't getting you there. You don't want to hurt his feelings!

Maybe it's the same the other way round too!

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Then that old chesnut "making you happy makes me happy..."

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Hi Joseph

Here's a bit of context that might make this a bit clearer - feel free to come back to me if you want more info.

The '80% of women find it difficult to orgasm' statistic is one that's often quoted and equally frequently misunderstood. It actually comes from some research Shere Hite did (although other studies have found similar outcomes). Rather than 80% of women finding it tough to orgasm generally, the statistic is specifically about penetrative sex.

So in cases where women only have penetrative sex with a partner (sex with very little or no foreplay, a lack of clitoral stimulation or inadequate attention to her needs, desires and wants) then 80% of women don't orgasm. It doesn't mean they have a physiological problem or defect or that they're not as sexual as men, just that if they're not getting turned on right they won't orgasm. This doesn't mean women don't enjoy the feeling of penetration, just that if that's all they're getting they probably won't orgasm.

Unfortunately this statistic has been repeatedly misquoted, misunderstood or manipulated to imply that women aren't as naturally sexual as men, or that most are 'complex'. That's a second myth as while some women do report sex problems so do some men. The 'women are complex' angle is consistently misused within the media, sex toy and self help industry as well as by the pharmaceutical industry to make out that while men's problems can be easily fixed, women are by nature more likely to have sex problems and be more difficult to sort out. Because if you can make out women have problems in this area you can make everyone feel anxious and then sell them products to 'fix' it.

While there are sex drugs for men out there, there are only three makes that are reliably used and they are all for ED. Meds for premature ejaculation are still in the pipeline and there's no other treatment for men's sex problems like delayed orgasm or pain during/after sex. There are, however, lots of drugs being tested for men - and countless more in the pipeline for women as if a drug company can crack the female market (where we're told more women do have problems) they'll make a lot of money. It's a situation that's causing a lot of concern to health professionals and therapists across the Western world.

In reality if a woman is happy in her sexuality and masturbates on her own she can usually achieve one or more orgasms pretty easily. Women who perhaps feel less confident may find this harder but most can still orgasm through masturbation.

Where problems arise is when we expect a partner to 'give' us an orgasm. Women are instructed through the media and self help books that when in a relationship it's really down to their partner to make them come. Men are also given this view and are made to feel inadequate if they can't do this. However women are also not given the communication skills, confidence or techniques to convey to a partner through words or actions what actually works for them.

So a vicious circle begins. The guy thinks he has to make her come and she feels if she shows or tells him he may be offended - or she lacks the words to explain what she wants. He tries to turn her on through whatever means and while it might feel nice it doesn't give her an orgasm. She feels under pressure, bad about herself, sorry for him and frightened he'll leave her. He feels stupid, inadequate and either irritated with the situation or concerned she may leave him.

If said couple then turn to the internet, self help books or magazine sex articles for advice the majority will tell them something like this. 'Women are complex creatures who need a lot of stimulation to get them turned on. 80% of women find it hard to orgasm'. Which doesn't help because although it might reassure a guy he's not at fault, it doesn't really help if his technique isn't working on her. And while it makes a woman feel she's not alone in finding it difficult to come it also implies that an orgasm is virtually impossible anyway which doesn't give her much hope. Neither person is made to feel confident that they are able to sort this fairly easily - particularly as most sex tips of this kind recommend rectifying the situation with a massage, scented candles or running her a bubble bath.

What does work for couples is where a woman feels confident to show her partner how she masturbates and how she can orgasm - either using her fingers or sex toys. Allowing a partner to watch and learn can help, as can reassuring women and men that it's fine for her to masturbate during sex rather than expecting him to always try and make her come. Aside from this being a turn on for him to see, it also gives him a better idea about what she likes, and it can build her confidence so she may find it easier to orgasm when he also has a go at touching her clit or using a sex toy on or in her. Often sex tips for men imply all women are the same and all of them will orgasm if you just touch them in a particular place. Just as men enjoy different ways of being touched so it goes for women. So applying a kind of 'one size fits all' approach usually ends in a woman not being fully turned on - not a great situation and one that's only made worse if she feels unable to say it's not worked for her for fear of hurting your feelings.

Which is why some women sometimes fake orgasm. Most women don't lie about experiencing an orgasm, it's more likely they just don't have them. Where women do fake it's done to keep a guy happy or to end something that feels nice but perhaps isn't working for them. It's usually done by women who don't know how to say or show what they'd really like - sometimes because they don't exactly know what they'd like or are unaware they can touch themselves during sex.

A lot of nonsense is written about whether you can spot whether a woman has had an orgasm - for example we're told her breathing speeds up, she's noisier, her chest, neck or face flushes, her nipples harden, her clitoris may seem bigger, her vagina may grip tighter or spasm, she'll ejaculate, and her pupils dilate. However not all women respond in this way. The result of men being told there are surefire signs to prove she's come and this has led to men 'checking out' their partners and acting suspicious or even accusing them of faking if they don't spot said signs. For a woman who has faked this doesn't make it any easier for her to stop, and for a woman who hasn't faked it can lead to feelings of anger and resentment.

Most women who enjoy clitoral stimulation through oral sex or by touching themselves with fingers or a sex toy find it much easier to orgasm. The difficulty many women now face is because men have been given the impression that it's their job to make her come it can make it difficult to let a partner allow them to do this. Of course women also enjoy a partner's touch, but if their partner doesn't touch them in the right way to make them orgasm and they don't feel able to touch themselves either then unsurprisingly they won't orgasm.

Communication and intimacy are definitely important - the more relaxed and supported a woman feels the easier it is for her to come. As with men, if she feels under pressure to orgasm it will make it much harder for her to have one. Exploring what turns her on rather than just assuming what's needed is some romantic lighting and a cuddle (as many magazines recommend) can help, as she may not orgasm because things aren't rough, gentle, dirty, sensual, spiritual or downright kinky enough for her. You'll only find this out by asking.

There are some genuine reasons why women do find it difficult to orgasm - they may be worried about getting pregnant or not being pregnant, they might have psychological or physical health problems (such as MS or depression), they may have been raised to see sex as bad or dirty, or they might feel bad about their body, they might have a partner who is not particularly skilled in bed and may feel unable to talk to him, or they might have a partner who they're not getting on with that makes them feel resentful or unhappy, they might not feel supported in the home or with childcare, and if they feel stressed or tired they won't want sex or feel much like having an orgasm.

As with men it is normal for women to sometimes not want sex, or to want sex but not orgasm. Some women are happy to have sex but don't always feel the need to orgasm, others feel orgasm is important. Ensuring there's lots of talking, touching, clitoral stimulation (and things like nipple stimulation if she likes this) as well as oral sex, fingering, using sex toys such as vibrators or dildos (if preferred) can help her have an orgasm before penetration - and allowing her to touch herself during sex also increases her chances of coming.

In answer to your question I don't think most men are sexually incompetent, but some are not always that good at knowing what turns their partner on. Men are often led to believe that it's all down to technique which can mean some guys find it tricky to adapting techniques or have a dialogue around what works. They may copy what they've seen in porn, what they've read in a magazine sex feature, or just do what they've always done with girls in the past and assume that works. Neither women or men are adequately prepared to talk to each other meaning she can't often say what would make things even better for her, and he may not consider asking if there's anything that would work. Even if he does ask it can cause problems if she still doesn't feel able to really say what she'd like (it does require confidence) or may upset him if she does tell him something else she'd enjoy.

It's very easy to get worried about misleading statistics and as a result make us have bad sex or worry the sex we've had wasn't all it seems.

Because the statistic wasn't explained to you correctly it's easy to jump to some of the conclusions you have - but hopefully the information above should reassure you that either the sexual experiences you've had were fine - or if they weren't exactly as you'd like them to be there are some pointers on how to experience pleasure in the future.

If anyone has any other worries about sex stats they've seen or heard feel free to post here and we'll give you the low down on the data :-)

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