I guess it has now come to the ‘fess up time – you may, or may not (and probably don’t even care!) but I am in the ranks of the guys batting for the other team, and am coming to terms with the fact that yes, I am gay.
Fuck, have said it! For those of you who are lucky enough to not have to deal with this, it is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do or think about…I guess, if I am really really honest that I have known since my mid teens, but it wasn’t until after uni that I acted upon my feelings. Firstly through the infamous Gaydar, which I tentatively signed up for, furtively looking at the pictures before being brave and going to the chat rooms – even though people slag it off relentlessly, I have met a few mates on there who I would now consider to be some of my bestest – fucked up though it sounds.
Just over two years ago now, I made the plunge and actually did something with a bloke, which shocked me, but also felt like a bit of a release – that I was actually facing up to the real me.
This year has been the most rollercoaster of them all – it started in January when I ended up snogging a guy in a club in Newcastle, who I had originally met when I was looking for a place to live. I was out with my housemate of the time, and ‘lost’ her to go off to the Powerhouse (the Toon’s biggest gay bar, gay bar) with him. She then confessed to seeing what had gone on a few days later, and we agreed to not talk about it (because I just couldn’t cope, at the time, with dealing with someone ‘real’ knowing.) The next day I haven’t cried as much in a long time – the shame, the fear, such irrationality racing through my mind.
Then I accidentally, and then intentionally, outed myself to two MHers, who I have learned loads from in terms of feeling more at home with myself and my experiences, and realising that these feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy and sheer fear of myself, and what other people might think of me are completely normal – but still shit scary at the same time!!
I guess what is bringing me to tell you guys, and bring this beast out in to the open is that a few weeks ago – on my fourth ever gay night out, I ended up going home with a guy I met, and then we have been seeing each other since. This has made the whole thing really come to life with me, and I think the thinking about it has affected me – last week, to just go away by myself was amazing for thinking things through, but then back in reality the irrationality comes back!
It’s a bit of a fuck up with my head as am not sure what I am doing to begin with (have seen two girls for a couple of months each before), but this seems and feels completely natural, even though part of me is now not sure of what I want. I don’t know if I do really like him? Or do I like him because he is keen on me? To add to this, I hate being hounded by texts/calls, but with him, am quite happy to be harassed! This then opens another can of worms in explaining my whereabouts and movements to people – I feel it is only a matter of time before I get caught out and see someone I know….
I am still not happy with who I am, but there is a line from a Dido song:
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
That seems to sum up nicely just exactly how I feel – the time before last when I went out in Manchester (Soho is so much better, btw!! Manc is full of happy campers, and over plucked and preened eyebrow guys that make me cringe) we got chatting to some girls, and I couldn’t even bring myself to say I was gay when I was in a fucking gay bar
To be honest, I am not sure why I am writing this, but I just feel as if I need to get it off my chest a bit, and almost allow a bit more of the real me out in to the open
P.s. I knew he was your BOIFWEND! Seriously though I know it's scary but just try and see how things go and not think too much about it! As long as you're enjoying yourself and he's not putting any pressure on you.
