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I was sexually abused at primary school when I was 9 years old in the early 80s, the assailant was an older kid. That happened the once, in the two months to go before he left school he didn't touch me again and I haven't seen him since. At the same time, top choice for discipline in my home was the belt.
My Dad is dead now, so to be honest, it's a lot easier to move on a little from the physical side of what happened to me. I've had to re-edit this post several times to stop distracting myself with my home life - the only connection to what I'm posting about is that when I was beaten, I was scrawny enough to be held by my side with one hand whilst getting beaten, so when this other kid assaulted me I froze with fear, as I did with any other sexual advance up until now, from either gender.
I never faced up to the indecent assault and it warped my actions throughout the rest of my childhood and at age 18 when I made a pass at another boy while still chasing girls- that's when I really shrank into myself and didn't seek any kind of relationship beyond friendship with anyone for a long time.
I buried myself in work, 500 CDs, alcohol, parties, my other hobbies, books, I was the ultimate consumer and could not work out why I was drawn to books and TV and film with child abuse as a theme from age 11 onwards. It was called discipline in the 1970s, not physical abuse, and what happened to me at school, well it was pre-Childline and the main authority figure I could have told, was involved - that's as far as I was told in my 20s when I still couldn't say what happened. Because there were no labels, I turned to no-one and I was kept busy with several hobbies, life just went on, and I spent a decent eight years going to work and coming back after graduating from Uni.
I'm an impulsive person I just did what I felt like and was quite selfish re other people's feelings and boundaries, which led to my pushing away someone who could have at least listened if he couldn't have helped and then trashing my own job, a job I had worked hard for three years to get, and I wasn't together enough to hold it down by the end. Thankfully I was made redundant instead of being fired as they must have known something was up but at the end of the day it was work and they needed an employee that wouldn't fall apart on them.
I had to go to counselling re my Dad. I found work again and have been in this present one 2.5yrs, and I like it, but couldn't work out why I was getting physical symptoms of stress and was dreaming about being hemmed in and suffocating, followed by a dead limb sensation where I just couldn't move. Both nightmares hit me when I was ill on holiday abroad and I couldn't block it out anymore, and after two nights of crying about it, I came back from abroad determined to get on with sorting it out.
I could sense the signs of the same issues coming back to affect me in my newest job, mainly to do with concentration and letting my mind wander, which wasn't helped by a bout of insomnia for two nights. This job is basically do-able and pays the mortgage so I do not want to screw it up for myself again. The friend I pushed away has gone on to greater things. At the same time a close work colleague has got engaged and those two events, plus everyone being in a couple at the two family Christmas meetings except me, has shown me what I've missed out on because of blocking out what happened and thinking that was dealing with it. I wasn't. Now I envy any pair of brothers who are close and who don't physically fight when they disagree, and I envy anyone I see of any age with a Dad that cares. I haven't done any team sports since leaving school, I've stuck to loner sports like swimming and running where I'm not getting changed in front of that many people if anyone. I hated my body for a long time wearing XL clothing, because I didn't want to draw attention to my figure - plus I put on a stone and a half when my Dad died and had to burn that off and have only recently succeeded in keeping it off with a return to the gym.
So the week before Christmas I telephoned Survivors and also told a friend in Australia what happened and an American blogger on Child Abuse. Counselling is due to start in the New Year although it won't be until February now. I'm getting the wierd frontal lobe headache which is telling me that dumping this off is helping but I needed to know if there's anything else I can do besides returning to the gym, seeing counselling and tracking my sessions in a diary.
This last week has felt like everything has been spilling out in a good way, ie I'm seeing what I need to work on personality wise, but the concentration issues at work are still a problem, I am booking meetings with my bosses to tell them I'm going into counselling but not the reason why, since lack of communication killed the other job as they couldn't see a reason for my decline in performance. Is keeping work half in the loop the right approach for this? I guess that's the most immediate question, any comments about anything else appreciated.
Man, I'm sorry you were abused but I'm glad you are sorting things out. In my opinion you are right to let people know about the general issues, you don't have to give details if you don't feel it necessary. But telling work is important. I have had problems with my Mum being ill which will inevitably affect my work. Also a close friend of mine got depression which also had to be explained to work. Anyone that is a major part of your life, work included, should be involved with such big problems as they will or should help. If they don't help generally they aren't worth being friends with or working for. Good luck in your "spilling out", counselling and gym. You are going in the right direction.
I recommend that you hang about - the experts here are really helpful and the site chatters really supportive on lots of levels.
Getting things 'said' is really important when you are dealing with experiences that are difficult - hopefully you'll continue to find that it is helpful to say it here but also that the follow through support and encouragement is worth it too.
I would agree about keeping work informed - counselling may bring up stuff in addition to how you are feeling now....as long as you workplace is sound... they could be a very significant anchor.
Hi DoubleNine. It's great that you're making progress and our thoughts are with you for the counselling.
I'm no employment expert so not sure what your work will make of you keeping them partially in the loop. Are they a big/ small company? Do they have policies on this? How have they been so far?
If you have any questions for the experts, let me know. All the best, Will
Thanks for the replies guys. Will, this workplace has been great, and the last lot, while less patient, gave me plenty of rope on reflection. However following my last major lapse in concentration I am on my ninth life because where I am now is a contract post.
Even once I get through this there's no guarantee they'll renew it again and to be honest if they made that decision it would have been there longer than I would have wanted to spend. If they do have policies I haven't found out about it and confidentiality is a foreign language there so frankly I don't feel like I want my personnel department involved at all. I'm aware that's been my normal reflex for all these years, but they showed me they couldn't be trusted a year ago and I'm loath to put any trust in them again.
The charity Supportline has information on abuse and links to lots of useful resources and support sites. (I'm not sure about their advice on surviving abuse but their list of links is very comprehensive)
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy carries a list of counsellors and therapists you can refer yourself to. You will have to pay but many counsellors offer a sliding scale for fees. You do not have to go on a waiting list to see a counsellor if you see one privately.
Alternatively you can ask your GP to refer you to counselling which is free (or low cost) but there may be a waiting list of a few weeks to a few months for this service. If you are feeling suicidal, depressed or the need to self harm contact your GP immediately.
If anyone has any websites, books or self help groups they want to recommend please add them here.
@ Beads, no worries - I had my fair share of days off sick, and when I went to HR to ask them to help me find a doctor in my area which they said was a service they offered when I joined, the person involved went running behind my back to my then boss. Found a doc myself in the end and haven't ever talked to them since.
So no, I don't trust the personnel department.
@ Dr Petra - Thanks for the links Doc, I'll check the ones I haven't browsed already, particularly Mankind. In listing some of the after-effects AEST described me down to a T and I don't like the idea of fitting someone's textbook anymore.
Double Nine, welcome to Mansized. That was a brave post, and I am sure that the regulars here will be supportive of your attempts to move forwards.
You mentioned that you had told a friend in Australia. What about their reaction? Was it such that you feel you could now confide in someone closer to home - (you don't need to answer the question here!), or did their reaction put you off telling anyone else.
The anonymity of the internet (and these boards) may make it easier to share your worries, but beware of making them your 'real life'.
Good luck - in the meantime, you have our support and cyber friendship.
Hi DoubleNine. As has been said previously, you can be assured of support and encouragement to face the future from those on this site. I admire your honesty and determination to sort this out -an important first step. Get back as often as you feel able. There will be others who benefit from reading your story and from hearing about the progress you're making. All the best for this difficult journey and remember, we're here to support you in whatever way we can.
